Traveling Soon? How to Get Your Passport in One Day.

Need to get your passport in one day? Got a trip coming up… fast? I was in this position. Just a couple of years ago I was lucky enough to get a free trip to Israel. I packed, I learned some useful phrases in Hebrew (where is the bathroom, spare a smoke), I kept away from falafel for an entire month. And then, two nights before my flight as I lay in bed, I realized my passport had expired.

After peeling myself of the ceiling, doing some research and procuring a ride from a loyal friend - Thanks, Terry! - I was on my way to Philadelphia. A few very bureaucratic hours I was clutching a brand spanking new blue and gold symbol of my international autonomy… and you can too. Here’s how:

First, determine where you’re going to go. You can deal with the government itself, like I did, or you can go to an agency. Agencies will tell you they know the ins and outs, the finesse and that they make it easier. I say they exist to take your money and make you feel incompetent. You decide. The only real benefit to using an agency is that you don’t have to be there to do the work. Call 1-877-487-2778 to find the nearest office. You’ll get an appointment and confirmation number. Tattoo it somewhere visible.

Fill out the application clearly and completely. Government employees exist to see flawless forms. Give them that warm, fuzzy feeling to avoid missing your trip.

You’ll have to prove you’re leaving within two weeks. Not hard - have your e-ticket or paid itinerary. Simple.

You’ll have to prove you’re you. Not so simple. Just like Descartes couldn’t even prove to himself that he existed until he came up with ‘cogito ergo sum’ the government won’t believe you’re not an evil foreigner stealing state secrets until you bring them proof. What was suggested that I present? Birth certificate, old passport, driver’s license, social security card, elementary school records… I think that may be it. The first half of my day was spent trying to track down all the documents required. Seeing my old elementary school was bizarre.

Go to the bank. You’re going to need some cash. Whatever the cost of an expedited passport is, plus $60.

Be early. It’s good practice for the airport - security check, metal detector, bag search and tired officials. Then wait in line, give up your documents, wait some more and you’ll have your passport and the ability to leave the land of the free.

11 things you didn’t know you said in British

You’ve decided to take an international vacation. It’s time to see Europe, you say to yourself, and if not now, when? You’ve scheduled vacation time, set aside some dough and realized you don’t speak a foreign language. hmmm… Britain!

Maybe you’re not interested in stumbling through a French market with a phrasebook, mispronouncing vegetable names with disastrous consequences, or maybe you always wanted to see the isles. Whatever the reason, you choose Britain.

Hey, I won’t have to learn a new language! Wrong. Not only can a British accent be confusing enough when it’s not confined to Monty Python videos, even proper British English has its idiosyncrasies. Just consider your car for a moment. The hood, that’s a bonnet. The trunk? A boot. If it’s raining you’ll have to carry your brolly or bumbershoot and make sure you’re not skint if you’re low on petrol.

And that’s just common usage. Then there’s British slang which, at best, is just confusing. At its most convoluted it seems to make no sense whatsoever. Take, for example cockney rhyming slang.

Cockney Rhyming Slang is perhaps the most convoluted method of (mis)communication I’ve come across. A word is made to take the meaning of another word it rhymes with, or that a related word rhymes with. The simplest example is saying Barney to mean trouble because Barney Rubble rhymes with trouble. Why they don’t just say rubble is beyond me.

From there it gets even more far removed. If you’re strapped for cash you can say you’re brassik, i.e. “Can you pay for the petrol? I’m completely brassik.” Why is this? Because brassik sounds like boracic which is a shortened version of Boracic Lint, an ointment. Lint rhymes with skint which means having no money. Lost yet? Good. Despite the cultural exchange between the UK and the US, there’s still plenty of differences in language and custom.

I hope I’ve given you a little insight into how different the queen’s English is from Queens, NY English. Following are some expressions that have completely different meaning in American and British English. This is just A through C. Check in soon for D through F!

1. Apple – an example of Cockney rhyming slang (CRS from now on…), Apple is short for Apple Core which Rhymes with Score. Apple means 20. How old is she? Apple. Gimme apple pounds.

2. April – Another example of CRS. You might get giggles if you say you really like April. Why? Short for April in Paris which Rhymes with Arris, another way of saying buttocks. Ah, April in Paris is beautiful, after all.

3. AC/DC – This has come to be a euphemism for bisexuality. Well… if the current can go both ways, I guess it makes sense.

4. Article – Being a writer I take personal objection to the term Article being taken to mean a jerk. But it does.

5. Bubble – To rat out or snitch. CRS returns with this shortened version of bubble and squeak (mashed potatoes and vegetables) which rhymes with speak. e.g. Bubble on me to the bobbies and you’ll be pushing up daisies.

5. Balmy – If you say it’s balmy out your fellows might think you mean it’s insane out. Derivative of barmy.

6. Basket – Though I doubt anyone would use basket accidentally in a context where it could be mistaken for its slang meaning – bastard – it’s still something to be conscious of.

7. Blurt – For some reason the Brits have chosen this singularly unattractive word to refer to a woman’s treasure.

8. Cacky – Now here’s one you want to be very careful of. It means dirty and, by extension, crappy. Do not go into a clothing store and ask for a pair of Khakis.

9. Call – Do not tell your friend that someone called them. Say they rang. Call means insult.

10. Chore – From the Romany cor with means to steal. Go do your chores honey – but don’t get caught!

11. Coupon – Why this means face is completely and utterly beyond me.

So, watch your tongue, America. You never know if you’ve accidentally started an international incident until it’s too late.

Staying in Germany? Break the Language Barrier.

One of the primary concerns when visiting a foreign country is communication. Every well prepared traveler deals with this concern, and each one does so in a different way. There are the old standbys: learning a few key phrases, carrying an inter-language phrase book or dictionary or perhaps one of those nifty electronic translators. Then there’s the real traveler’s method: taking a language course.

For the person who wants to really get into the spirit of travel and immerse themselves in a foreign culture–and there is no way to get more out of your vacation than by becoming part of the area you visit–learning to speak the language is the way to go. You don’t have to become fluent, but learning how to say more than, “Where is the bathroom?” will make your stay easier, more enjoyable and impress your friends more than a tan and some souvenirs. Even better, you can carry that knowledge with you wherever you go. If you’re considering alternate accommodations–and you ought to be–learning a bit of German will make your stay many times more relaxing.

Staying in a rented home or apartment affords the same kind of cultural immersion that learning the language does. The two really go hand in hand: knowing what to ask for at the grocery store, or how to read a label, makes the ability to cook in your rental’s kitchen that much easier. Interacting with the locals is obviously enhanced as well, and that is the best way to appreciate a locality: making friends. German isn’t a hard language to learn, either. English is a Germanic language and so much of it will seem familiar to the novice speaker. You have to learn a few new letters, but it’s spelled phonetically. If you’ve got a couple of months before you are traveling I suggest enrolling in your local university’s language course. In addition to learning enough German to get by you’ll have conversation practice partners and, most likely, a native German to tell you all about where you’ll be visiting.

Driving In Paris? Here’s What You’ll Need to Know

Paris, like any major metropolitan city, is reliant on its transportation. The French do take their driving rules and customs quite seriously, and if you think Jersey drivers are bad or that New Yorkers can be rude, well, get ready to meet the Parisians.

First, Traffic merging from the right has the right of way and you had better yield, because they won’t, and you will get in trouble. This can be counter-intuitive o be careful! Second, crossing a solid line in the road is much more serious in France than in America. Be very aware of this, and if you do get pulled over make sure your seat belt is buckled, you do not want the 90 Euro fine.

Have I scared you? Here’s the good news: Paris is not hard to find your way around by car and all you need is a valid US driver’s license. If you don’t feel like driving in a foreign land there are plenty of taxis ready to take you around and most are very eager to chat up a tourist and recommend their favorite sites and restaurants.

Renting a Car in Ireland

The first thing you need to know about renting a car in Ireland is that it’s called hiring not renting. A rental car is a car hire, a rented car is a hired car, etc. It might not seem like a big difference but if you imagine how your local Hertz representative would look at you if you told them you wanted to hire a car, you understand how an Irish Hertz clerk would look at you for asking to rent one. The second thing you need to understand is that it’s just a really good idea to rent, I mean hire, a car if you plan on seeing Ireland.

Ireland is a modern country in every meaningful respect, but it was only a few years ago that it was predominately agricultural and that heritage is evident in the countryside. The green hills, plains and medieval remains are some of the best reasons to see Ireland and if you like the idea of seeing them at your own pace hiring a car is the only real option.

Ireland is modern in every sense of the word–riding the Euro’s rise to a booming economy–but to describe even the largest cities as cosmopolitan is being a little overgenerous. It’s just that old-fashioned sensibility and hospitality that makes visiting Ireland such an enjoyable experience, however, and you’ll find a welcoming pub and friendly strangers waiting wherever you might steer your hired car.