11 things you didn’t know you said in British

You’ve decided to take an international vacation. It’s time to see Europe, you say to yourself, and if not now, when? You’ve scheduled vacation time, set aside some dough and realized you don’t speak a foreign language. hmmm… Britain!

Maybe you’re not interested in stumbling through a French market with a phrasebook, mispronouncing vegetable names with disastrous consequences, or maybe you always wanted to see the isles. Whatever the reason, you choose Britain.

Hey, I won’t have to learn a new language! Wrong. Not only can a British accent be confusing enough when it’s not confined to Monty Python videos, even proper British English has its idiosyncrasies. Just consider your car for a moment. The hood, that’s a bonnet. The trunk? A boot. If it’s raining you’ll have to carry your brolly or bumbershoot and make sure you’re not skint if you’re low on petrol.

And that’s just common usage. Then there’s British slang which, at best, is just confusing. At its most convoluted it seems to make no sense whatsoever. Take, for example cockney rhyming slang.

Cockney Rhyming Slang is perhaps the most convoluted method of (mis)communication I’ve come across. A word is made to take the meaning of another word it rhymes with, or that a related word rhymes with. The simplest example is saying Barney to mean trouble because Barney Rubble rhymes with trouble. Why they don’t just say rubble is beyond me.

From there it gets even more far removed. If you’re strapped for cash you can say you’re brassik, i.e. “Can you pay for the petrol? I’m completely brassik.” Why is this? Because brassik sounds like boracic which is a shortened version of Boracic Lint, an ointment. Lint rhymes with skint which means having no money. Lost yet? Good. Despite the cultural exchange between the UK and the US, there’s still plenty of differences in language and custom.

I hope I’ve given you a little insight into how different the queen’s English is from Queens, NY English. Following are some expressions that have completely different meaning in American and British English. This is just A through C. Check in soon for D through F!

1. Apple – an example of Cockney rhyming slang (CRS from now on…), Apple is short for Apple Core which Rhymes with Score. Apple means 20. How old is she? Apple. Gimme apple pounds.

2. April – Another example of CRS. You might get giggles if you say you really like April. Why? Short for April in Paris which Rhymes with Arris, another way of saying buttocks. Ah, April in Paris is beautiful, after all.

3. AC/DC – This has come to be a euphemism for bisexuality. Well… if the current can go both ways, I guess it makes sense.

4. Article – Being a writer I take personal objection to the term Article being taken to mean a jerk. But it does.

5. Bubble – To rat out or snitch. CRS returns with this shortened version of bubble and squeak (mashed potatoes and vegetables) which rhymes with speak. e.g. Bubble on me to the bobbies and you’ll be pushing up daisies.

5. Balmy – If you say it’s balmy out your fellows might think you mean it’s insane out. Derivative of barmy.

6. Basket – Though I doubt anyone would use basket accidentally in a context where it could be mistaken for its slang meaning – bastard – it’s still something to be conscious of.

7. Blurt – For some reason the Brits have chosen this singularly unattractive word to refer to a woman’s treasure.

8. Cacky – Now here’s one you want to be very careful of. It means dirty and, by extension, crappy. Do not go into a clothing store and ask for a pair of Khakis.

9. Call – Do not tell your friend that someone called them. Say they rang. Call means insult.

10. Chore – From the Romany cor with means to steal. Go do your chores honey – but don’t get caught!

11. Coupon – Why this means face is completely and utterly beyond me.

So, watch your tongue, America. You never know if you’ve accidentally started an international incident until it’s too late.